We needed help.

May 23rd 2019

"Different med, almost 2 weeks in and also trying Ambien. Took a day off and wanted a teacher friend of mine to pray for him. She invited us in to her classroom and told us about how she believes her husband can help Adam. She prayed and Jesus, you let Adam know you were in our midst.  He cried like he hadn't in a while. Something he needed to do. 

I write because I want to remember what you're doing, God. Feelings lately are confusing, frustrated, a little sad, a bit hopeful. 

Monday evening both Adam and I just felt hopeless, a bit stuck. We were left speechless. Both not knowing what in the world to do. 

This seems like its all out of our hands. I'm not sure how much lower we can go. 

Adam constantly explains to me how he's feeling, how his mind is not working. I see desperation. Then I get frustrated not knowing what to do, literally like feeling I want to hit my head on a table. We go back and forth praying hard, hoping one day we will pray that perfect prayer that will miraculously heal Adam. Some days I feel strong, some days I just don't.

Adam has mentioned several times about checking himself in somewhere and what that would look like. God we need your guidance."

Since January of 2019 Adam had been trying to see what meds would help, it's been touch and go. He also tried Ambien because he just wasn't sleeping. On this day Adam took a mental day from work, because the pressure was beginning to really affect his work. Mental days are important. That afternoon he came with me to pick the girls up from school. I know he didn't want to but we knew the girls would love to see daddy pick them up. The girls asked to play a bit in the school courtyard so off they went while I chatted with some moms and Adam stood their very uncomfortable, I'm sure hoping no one would come up to him and strike up a convo. He looked over at me and asked "Do you think Mrs Delvalle would pray with us?" This was a sweet, prayer warrior teacher at our girls school, whom I found myself often pouring my heart out to, and Adam had once before. We stopped her as she walked by and she didn't even hesitate walked us over to her room. There she fought on our behalf in prayer, during a time Adam and I were just tired of praying. THIS is why we need community. She also shared with us a bit about how her husband can help Adam get some tests done to see what underlying health issues might be triggering all this and guide him in taking some natural approaches to his healing. That was a God send, because it really got our journey going on trying to figure out what was going on. 

By May our family had been five months into some super frustrating crap. Five months of therapy, crying, praying, not knowing what to do. 

Days after this journal entry, on a Saturday afternoon, Adam walked out of our dark bedroom he had been laying in, and told me "I just can't do this anymore" Words I didn't want to hear my husband say. A phrase that made me nervous because I didn't want to brush it off like it was nothing but I also didn't want to allow it to make me panic. That day he asked me to take him to a behavioral center, that weekend we HAD to figure something out. We needed help.